Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Week 5: Monday/Tuesday- Hiding behind my running shoes

This week has been going quite well! I had a little bit of left-over muscle soreness, so I made it my goal on Monday to not push it and keep it EASY. I ran 3 miles at a comfortable 23:50, 7:57min/mi. I need to focus on only pushing it when necessary.  You simply can't run every workout hard and expect to not burn out!!

Today, I ran a 35 minute tempo and covered 4.67 miles. I was pretty dehydrated before I began, but foolishly ran without water.  It was hot and humid, and being dehydrated created some discomfort!! However, it went well and I stayed on pace, despite craving water and cramping a bit throughout most of the run. 

Over the past few days, I’ve been reflecting a lot on time passed by. It seems that as I get older, years just seem shorter. It’s hard to believe all of the events that happen in just one year, and how much time actually passes in between different events when it seems like no time at all. Not sure if that makes sense, lol, but in summary: TIME FLIES. What really got me reflecting on time that has passed, and is going to lead to some embarrassing admissions, has to do with a certain someone.  I’ll refer to him as “The Bachelor.” A little over three years ago, coincidentally before my first race EVER (the CLE Half Marathon), I had a date with “The Bachelor” (it cracks me up to think I went on a date before a race...there’s no way in HECK I’d skip carbo-loading and an early night in bed now hahaaa). We had been hanging out/dating/flirting for quite a while, I really liked him a lot, and I felt like he really liked me.  We had a really fun night out, as always, and the chemistry just felt right to tell him how I really felt.  So, I did….and he told me he didn’t feel the same way. :-(  I remember driving home that night feeling disappointed, confused, sick, frustrated…and just sad. I didn’t cry though, and I decided I was going to forget about it and not care. I woke up early the next morning, drove to downtown CLE with my sis, and had one of the most amazing, life changing experiences—I ran my FIRST race EVER!!!  It was POURING rain, FREEZING cold, but we had SO much fun and made the most of it all. I didn’t have any idea of what I was doing.  I hadn’t as much run a 5K race prior to this experience. I didn’t even wear a watch or attempt to pace myself. I had NO CLUE what a “good” time was or what my capabilities were.  I finished 2:01 which I was told was “good,” and my life changed SO much from that point on. Running has become one of my greatest passions next to teaching, and I don’t know where I’d be today had it not come into my life. 

The “Bachelor” made MANY attempts to keep contact with me after rejecting me (borderline weird) for quite a while, and I’m not sure why. But, needless to say, it never went anywhere. In fact, after that in never went anywhere …with ANYONE.  Since that night, I can’t explain how or why but I just haven’t been able to fully open myself up to anyone. Even with guys that I’ve really liked, I just haven’t been able to put myself out there.  In fact, I put up a wall so big, that I haven’t been able to fully see it until now.  I don't blame "The Bachelor" for this. It's an accumulation of things, mainly my own insecurities (dare I say so!...I said this would be embarassing, LOL). The situation just forced me to push the "on" button that put up the wall that just hasn't come down. Plus, I’ve become so incredibly focused on teaching and running that the thought of even being in a committed relationship makes me queasy. LOL. Weird, I know.  Maybe I’ve just been hiding behind my running shoes…

What forced me to come to my lack-of-availability realization was the discovery that “The Bachelor” is no longer a bachelor and has a girlfriend.  Several other guys of my past have settled down and it hasn’t bothered me. But this bit of information really made me feel weird and led to the revelation of this wall that has prevented me from letting in anyone for the past three years.  Don’t get me wrong, crazy AMAZING things have happened in my life in this time that I would never sacrifice. But, I’m wondering if I’ve used these things as excuses to avoid really opening myself up to someone again. I’m not sure how to push the "off" button to remove this wall, but if I can run a 3:18 marathon…I can do anything, right??? ;-)

3 mile pace run is on the agenda tomorrow, followed by a chemistry final in the afternoon.  WOO WEEEEEE!!! 

Happy Tuesday Everyone! :-)


5 comments:

  1. Hi MP! When you least expect it the right guy will come along....and I'm sure it will be someone with your same interests "running" and "teaching." You are still young....this is the time to just enjoy life!!! :))

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  2. Not gonna lie, you are hot and I was prety sure you were dating like crazy.
    Also, not gonna lie, if I wasn't dating Mate I would probably not be doing a lot of dating and would do more running.

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  3. AWEEEEE THANKS, GUYS!!!! :-D

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  4. I admire you for being so candid and open in your posts, MP. Certainly running isn't just a physical activity- there is so much emotion attached to it, as well as mental and even spiritual aspects. There is good reason you had that wall up, whether you know now what that reason is or not, and it will come down naturally when it's supposed to. In the meantime, keep being true to yourself because you are a really amazing person!! :)

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  5. Aweeeeeeeeeee J you just made me tear up!!! YOU are amazing!! Thanks for being awesome!! :-)

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