Monday, March 26, 2012

FRUSTRATED

It’s been five days since my accident. I ran for the first time yesterday for 3 miles on the treadmill. I’m now way off my training plan, and have officially said good bye to the Boston Marathon this spring. As my intention for this blog was to be candid about my running experiences, the highs, the lows, and the in-betweens, I suppose I should be honest about how I’m feeling at this very moment. If anything, I hope the account of my experience helps someone else who may be going through a similar issue, whether it be a physical injury, personal circumstance, or what have you.

If I could sum up my emotions in one word, suffice it to say I’m “FRUSTRATED.” My body is in great shape, I feel fine, my blood-oxygen level is amazing, and my blood pressure is low. I have everything booked for the Boston Marathon, was planning on running a ½ marathon in Pittsburg next weekend, and was going to rock out the Cleveland Marathon this May. Now, all of these plans have literally been flushed down the drain (and lots of $$$ that went along with those plans) all because of some ambiguous problem of maintaining consciousness while I run. The most frustrating part of this is the “ambiguity.” I wish there was a concrete reason (not that I by ANY MEANS want anything to be wrong with me) so I can do something about it, besides sitting around pondering what it “could” be and arguing with doctors and loved ones about taking medication based on symptom-derived hypotheses.  Simply FRUSTRATING.

For as many supportive people there are in my life, I can’t explain why I feel so incredibly alone right now. Running has always been my sanctuary. It’s helped to give me confidence, and been my mental sounding board. I have found ease in not talking about or confronting the things that bother me in my life, but instead turning to running for miles and mile. Through running, somehow all the pieces would come together for me. I know this is NOT the end of the road for me with running. In fact, no doctor has told me I can’t run any more. It’s just suggested that I run with a partner or on a treadmill at a gym. But, the problem is that I know my body and feel that something is definitely not right. Unfortunately, I also know that running, for whatever reason, brings out the worst in whatever imbalance there is in my body. TOTALLY FRUSTRATING. :-(

I’m sorry for the negative blog post. I know things could be A LOT WORSE in my life, and I have SO MUCH to be grateful for. But, for right now, I want to be honest about my feelings…so if anything, maybe my stinky experience may help someone else…

More updates to follow…I will be seeing a cardiologist today…

2 comments:

  1. I hate to see how frustrated you are and this would make so much more sense if you knew what exactly it was. I am glad to hear that you have been cleared to run still and love the idea of just running with a partner or on the treadmil....at least until you figure out what causes your "misadventures"
    Hang in there though, it's not the end of the road just a small bump. :)

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