Saturday, March 24, 2012

One day at a time...

Any moment now, I’m going to wake up from this dream that has extended for days now. I’m still in disbelief, and unwilling to accept reality. Maybe I have reached my running peak? Maybe now is the time to put away the Garmin and go back to running how I used to—for pure enjoyment? Maybe I will be devastated for a while? Maybe I will gain a few pounds? …and, maybe,  just maybe I will be okay…?

Why have I been pondering these questions over the past few days? Unfortunately, I had another experience similar to the experience I had a year ago—I blacked out on my run. This time, my memory cut out about a mile away from the scene of the accident. And, this time, I unconsciously went tumbling down a hill. All I remember is waking up to the presence of paramedics talking LOUD in my ear, heading to the E.R., and seeing the panicked faces of my family at the hospital. I was completely disoriented this time around, with no real sense of what was going on. I was in a neck brace, with no recollection of falling or what could have possibly happened to me. I begged to use the restroom, and when I saw myself in the mirror I broke down hysterically crying. I couldn’t believe the mess I made of my face, and I could NOT understand why I couldn’t remember a thing. Then, <warning…EMBARASSING ADMISSION...warning> as I went to use the restroom, I realized I completely lost all control of my body <need I say more>. I was FREAAAAAAKED out. I had no memory of when that could have possibly happened. I knew at that moment something was really wrong with me.

To save a bunch of boring details, I was stuck in the hospital Wednesday and Thursday night, and wasn’t released until about 5pm Friday. I saw a primary care doctor, nurse practitioner, neurologist, and cardiologist. I had an EEG, several MRIs, CT scans, and an ECHO. All came back negative. However, my prolactin levels were high (which is abnormal without nursing a baby, LOL, but common post-seizure), and with correlation of my symptoms, was enough for these doctors to say I had a seizure.  I’m still not completely convinced (maybe just in denial), so I will be doing several follow ups next week.  Plus, I’m still waiting on the E.M.T. report from the Fire Dept which will be an interesting read considering I remember very little from the incident.

But, what does this mean for running this spring? Considering this is the second time this has happened and it’s been running induced, it would be selfish of me to continue with my training. I have accomplished A LOT with my running, but where do I really planning on going with all of this? I don’t even really have any goals for myself any more—no specific marathons I want to run, qualifying for Boston is no longer a challenge—I’m just going with the motions I’ve been moving in for the past few years. I think this is the time to tone it down, BIG TIME. Until I get to the bottom of what is going on with my body, I cannot keep pushing myself the way I have been.  I’m going to try to switch to the Cleveland Half Marathon instead of the full, so I can run it with my little sister who is planning on running it. I definitely won’t be running Boston this spring. This is the toughest pill for me to swallow. I was REALLY looking forward to it. I already have my gear purchased, flight booked, and my good friend Amy waiting to cheer me on. However, it just would be FOOLISH to attempt to run a super challenging marathon by myself in another state with something clearly wrong with me unidentified. L

SO, until further notice, I will be running 110% COMPLETELY ON FEEL. If I feel like it, I will do it—If I don’t feel like it, I won’t. I haven’t run since Wednesday.  That’s 3 days in a row without running…the longest I’ve gone in YEARS (no joke).

Things could always be worse, and I’m grateful for a whole lot. Mainly, I am so grateful for the people in my life. I am so blessed to have such loving and supportive family and friends. I love you all, and appreciate all of your kind words, thoughts, and prayers as I’m dealing with this very difficult circumstance in my life.

Maybe this time off will be permanent…or temporary and I’ll come back kicking everyone’s butts…or who knows. But time off is what I owe to everyone right now--most importantly, to myself.
I'm just going to take this all one day at a time...

2 comments:

  1. Wow! I just discovered your blog last week and was excited to read about your running. I was shocked when I read today and hope you're doing better!I hope you get some good news from the doctors soon!

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